Top Ten Rules to Survive the Zombie Apocalypse

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Home – for Zombie Apocafest 2009 (Photo credit: Dunechaser)

(This is a guest post from Overthinker who wrote it when he was about fourteen and in the midst of the most libertarian phase of his life)

I, Overthinker, now present to you my top ten rules of the zombie apocalypse. I encourage you to comment your opinions and your very own rules, so that if I encounter a better rule, I can replace one of my own:

Zombie Apocalypse Survival Rules:

These are realistic rules for surviving if a zombie outbreak occurs. First of all, zombies do not just like brains, they will be content to eat any part of you. Second, if you do get bit, then you will (almost certainly, though there might be immunities) become a zombie. These rules also do not include many of the givens, and only one Zombieland rule, although some of those rules are good.

Rule 1: Get a WEAPON!!!
The very first thing you do in a zombie outbreak is grab a baseball bat, a katana, and freaking brick for all I care, just so long as the second you hear about zombies, you get a thing to kill them. The general rule is to have two melee weapons with a firearm, but remember, gunshots count as sounds, and I’m pretty sure zombies can hear dinner bells.

Rule 2: Get a protecting type of clothing on.
Running around in a t-shirt and short shorts might be hot, but when you get bit, all I can think of is how ugly you’ll be when I smash your rotting brain inside out. Get on a sweater or two, and thick jeans along with thick leather shoes/boots, it can help prevent the Zeds from biting through flesh(but the bite from a human jaw is powerful enough to break bones).

Rule 3: If you can’t reach your family, don’t try
Focus on other survivors then. I know this would be hard for anyone with a family that you care for, but if you can’t find them after the first week, just hope you find them an already dead zombie, it will spare you the trouble. Alternatively, if you do find people you trust in the zombie world, join together to increase chances of survival.

Rule 4: Get what food and supplies you can in the first few days, then get out of any city area.
About 80% of U.S. Citizens live in urbanized areas. Remember that urban areas include all urbanized areas (over 50,000 population) and urban clusters (2,500 to 49,999 population) as defined by the Bureau of the Census in the 2000 Decennial Census. Also, though, 73.5% of urbanites live in areas over 200000 in population.

Just try to keep these figures in mind when you attempt to take a city (by the way, don’t try this). I suggest heading to a flat, isolated area where you can see the hordes. If you have mean of reaching an small island where you can grow certain seeds, get there, kill all zeds, and all wildlife if need be (depending on if the virus would affect animals or not), and start your garden of life. For supplies, go to an Ace Hardware or Bass Pro. Follow up with the grocery store

Rule 5: If you have a gun, find a suppressor.
One important thing to remember, if you’re ready to plant a bullet in a zombie’s head, you’re ready for every other zombie to know where dinner is. Solve this problem with a suppressor. You can find them in gun shops, or in a smart man’s home who wasn’t quite smart enough. The most common gun to have a suppressor is a 9mm handgun, and although it wont completely eliminate the sound (don’t trust Call of Duty), it will do enough to vastly shorten the radius of the dinner bell. Also, having skill with a bow or a crossbow can provide the same sense of stealth. (Note from Maureen: Machetes are also good grin)

Rule 6: Buy or Collect Seeds:
Since we don’t know how the disease will affect animals, buy (or scavenge) packets of seeds and grow your own food. Granted, it will be hard work to water them and there is no safe guarantee that they are safe to eat, bu it’s your best bet once food starts to run out and/or expire. If this virus seems to ignore plants, carefully check wild plants before you eat them to make sure that they’re edible. Also make sure that there isn’t any blood on it, for it may be contaminated.

Rule 7: (Try) to never be alone. And I don’t mean being with the zeds.
If you find survivors, try to get them to join you, or vice versa. Zombies learned strength in numbers you need to too. But be wary of how many survivors are in your group, if there are too many, it might attract attention. Try to stay (at the most) a small community under 20. And 20 only if well hidden, say under ground maybe. Also to keep in mind, limit the number of entrances to your (hopefully) well hidden community, so that they can’t flank you if they get in somehow.

Rule 8: Scavenging can save your life, but it can also kill you.
If you are out of the city and in the country, your best bet to scavenging is to hit small towns with a fairly low population. In those places, you have gas stations and small shops, where you can gather supplies quickly and without too much trouble (hopefully). But beware, those gas stations and stores, like all stores, have aisles, with few exits from that aisle, while in close-quarters. Have a friend along to cover your back and a solid melee weapon (which you should always have). And, probably the only Zombieland rule I will ever quote in this set, “When in doubt, have a way out.” this means a quick exit that probably another two friends are covering so you can get out and get to your home.

Rule 9: At least try to not leave your friend behind.
If you can get out, but your friend is lagging behind, quickly assess the situation. If you two can’t take them out with hit and run tactics, at least give your friend a chance. Encouragement, stopping just long enough to take on some of your friends load can save your friend’s (and in the long run, >your’s) life. But if it is hopeless, just remember, you don’t have to outrun the zombies, you just have to outrun your friend.

Note: Do NOT tell your friend about last sentence, for they may utilize it themselves.

Rule 10: During the zombie apocalypse, you will never be entirely safe.
You can never be truly safe, for the zombies will almost certainly outnumber the world population. Take sleep shifts with your friend, barricade yourself in (but not too much, you want a way out that isn’t super time consuming (remember the only Z-land rule I stated), but most of all, just remember these rules here.

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