I am not owned by my depression but I am affected by it.
I battle it into submission, and sometimes it battles me into retreat
Having depression means I have to take enormous care to eat right, get the sleep I need, and balance my life. and that I am sometimes completely incapable of eating right, sleeping right, or balancing my life.
Having depression means that sometimes that ‘dark night of the soul’ feels like it’s never going to end and that there is only one way out. It took lots of practice to ignore that feeling and remember where the door is.
Having depression means I am sometimes deeply and horribly ashamed of the things I have done, or was unable to do – and it makes it worse that I know I have no real reason to be ashamed. And even worse when I do have a reason to be ashamed, but it’s a lot bigger in my head than in anyone elses.
Having depression means others often tell me I have nothing to be depressed about – knowing that they are absolutely right – and it not helping even a little.
Having depression means that I need to seek help sometimes, both medication and talk therapy. They help, even though I hate the pills and therapy is hard (even for therapists).
Having depression doesn’t mean that I don’t have happy days, joyful moments, fully felt belly laughs that fill my heart – but it does mean that I have to work harder to notice them and allow the joy to spread between the moments and fill in the crevices of depression.
Having depression means that I dance harder, sometimes, just to stay in the dance – and then sometimes I can’t dance at all, I can only watch, exhausted, from the sidelines, and wait for my energy to return. And it does, eventually, every time. So far.
And I dance. And I love, and I live and I give and I take. When the depression dives deep I shout over it. I’m worth it, and I keep fighting it. I am trapped in this body with it for life, but we have gotten used to each other, our rhythms and we will survive.
This is not existence, this is life, and life is a beautiful, beautiful thing, to be savored and cherished, and appreciated in ourselves and in others. And depression? Depression is just a shadow in the sun. It wants me to believe it’s giant, but it is cast by just a pebble in the sand.
Pick up that pebble, cast it aside, and bathe in the light. And if you can’t see the light, call someone and ask them to help you.
- Cognitive behavioural therapy can reduce depression in those haven’t responded to antidepressants (sciencedaily.com)
- 20 Thoughts To Help Relieve Anxiety and Depression (tinybuddha.com)
- Life Satisfaction, Depression and Genes (medicalnewstoday.com)
- Find the Right Therapist to Help Depression (everydayhealth.com)